I survived Cancer For This?

Sometimes I get so frustrated at work I just want chuck it all, grab my wife, load up my car and leave. Just leave; not for a little while, but forever. I really do. There has to be something better than this.

I had a near death experience about four years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. I eventually beat it and returned to work. I trudge in everyday trying to do the right thing and make a difference and am thwarted at every turn by people who have less training and skill than I do and it drives me to distraction. So I sometimes stop and think, “What the hell am I doing. I survived cancer for this?”

It blows my mind.

But there is a problem. I’m 57, and blah, blah, blah, I struggle. It’s a challenge. So I swallow my pride and trudge in to an office where my opinion matters almost not at all. Where because of my good humor, I am often teased and never get recognition for the added value I bring to the organization.

I just need to hold on ‘till I’m 60 I say. Then what? Will it then become, “I just have to hold on until I’m 65?” I am about ready to pull the plug on this son-of-a-bitch.

I didn’t get any sleep last night. I was playing over and over in my head different scenarios for a confrontation I have at 9 a.m. It’s not going to be pretty.

You ever do that? Ever anticipate conversations, develop witty rejoinders you won’t use, and tell people off in your thoughts, only to be brow beaten when the real event comes (even if you are right). I was talking to the big boss yesterday and it was one of those things where they question you down to submission; constant brow beating until you surrender. That’s what this is going to be like.

I survived cancer for this?

I feel as if I am screaming into a typhoon. The wave is getting ready to crash and destroy the village, but no one will hear me.


2 thoughts on “I survived Cancer For This?

  1. circumstances may vary a bit as to why I question my surviving cancer, but I am “driven to distraction” (as you so nicely put it) over numerous things in life right now. Then I get ticked at myself for not being more grateful over having survived. Then I grasp with “what is the meaning of life, my life” with the underlying unction being I want to somehow find a deeper meaning since I’ve survived twice. Oh boy, what a mind game.


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